The 5 best ways to help a new mom

Whether you just had a baby or know someone who did, here are the 5 best ways to help a new mom.

There’s something about a new baby that brings people out of the woodwork. Everyone gets excited for the new arrival, and before they’re even born, promises of help come pouring in. But once the baby is finally here, it can get a little more complicated.

You want to help, but might not know where to start. Here are five ways to offer help to a new mom that any new parent will appreciate.

1. Bring over food

This is something that will never go amiss. Seriously, never. Whether it’s bags of groceries, a pre-made meal, or their favorite food item from a restaurant, food will always, always be appreciated!

Bringing food means that she doesn’t have to think about what to cook. She doesn’t have to try to take time out of an exhausting day to ensure she makes something for herself to eat. Life with a newborn is exhausting and a lot of times, her basic needs are the last thing that get met in the day.

She’s going to be hungry. Bringing food doesn’t just mean that she’s getting fed, it shows her a little extra care and appreciation. Especially if you bring over something that you know she loves. Even if she doesn’t eat it right then, she’ll know that she has one of her favorites waiting for her when she’s ready for it.

Sometimes it’s those little things that really brighten up a new mom’s day.

2. Listen to her

This is one of those things that seems so simple it can’t possibly be actually helpful. Listening? Of course, everyone is going to be doing that, right?

It’s not so simple, actually.

Everyone is going to be coming to see the baby, ask her how the birth went, or any of the typical questions that new moms get, like:

“How’s (baby) sleeping?”

“Does (baby) cry a a lot?”

“Is (baby) eating well?”

Not many people will be asking how she’s doing, and taking the time to really listen to her answer. There’s nothing inherently wrong with asking any of the above questions. But asking open questions such as “How is postpartum going”, or “How have you been feeling with everything going on?”, and giving space for her to answer honestly is one of the most helpful things you can do.

When you’re a new mom, there’s a lot of pressure to feel a certain way about motherhood and your newborn, to be recovering at a “normal” rate, and have a “good” baby. When things aren’t going the way society says they should, new moms often blame themselves and feel like they aren’t doing a good enough job. This makes it easier to fall into overwhelm, burnout, and even postpartum depression.

Offering understanding and a listening ear goes a long way to helping a new mom feel supported and heard. Sometimes this helps more than anything else- they just need to be able to share with someone that their birth made them feel traumatized, feeding has been terrible, or that they struggle with feeling inadequate as a parent.

Or maybe they just want to share how amazing their newborn is or how much they’ve found themselves enjoying this stage. Either way, listen.

3. Ask what she needs done

This may fall under the listening category, but one thing I’ve noticed is that when it comes to offering practical help during the postpartum period, a lot of people stick to the same basic categories.

If you want to know how to best help a new mom, ask her what she needs.

You can keep it less open-ended (which might actually help her and you) by asking something like, “what can I do to help so that you can feel human again?” The answers might surprise you.

She might ask you to come and hold her baby for fifteen minutes so she can take a shower. (If her partner is back at work or she’s a a single mom, this is huge.) She might ask you to come and clean up a room so she doesn’t get as stressed out looking at the mess. The possibilities are endless, and the thing that she finds the most helpful might be something you never would have thought of on your own.

So just ask!

4. Peripheral support

There can be a lot going on in the background after birth.

The main focus is going to be on the newborn and the mother. But there could be a partner, other children, and a million other things going on that no one else is thinking of right now. There are a lot of little details that go into daily life. Some of them easily fall by the wayside during the postpartum adjustment.

So, think of something that goes on during a normal day, and see if you can help with any of those tasks. Things like grocery shopping, washing dishes or laundry, or making a list of what’s needed for the next run to the store. Offer to take care of supper prep for an evening so that she and her partner can spend their time together with the new baby instead. Sometimes it’s really the littlest things that offer the most help to a new mom.

If there are older kids in the family, you can offer to take them out for an activity. Or do something fun with them in the home to keep them occupied and happy for a couple hours. Alternatively, offer to watch the baby for an hour so that she can spend time with her other kids for a bit. A new baby takes up a lot of the day and night, and it’s normal for both kids and moms to miss each other- since they’re not spending as much time together as usual.

Maybe their car needs a wash or to be taken in somewhere for basic maintenance. Or it could be that there’s a holiday coming up and they could use some help with the preparations. Whatever the little details may be, new moms have a lot on their plate. And having someone else offer to take on part of the mental load can be amazing.

5. Treat her like she’s still a person

This is another one that sounds so small- but it’s actually really not.

There is a huge emotional, physical, mental, and identifying shift that takes place after a woman gives birth. There are so many hormonal fluctuations, a major life adjustment, and a resorting of relationships.

After birth can feel a little jarring. Most of her time and attention is going to need to be focused on the baby and her own recovery. A lot of the care and concern that was directed toward her before birth is now focused mostly on the baby. Sometimes it can feel like she no longer matters as much.

It can feel like the people she was close to before have drifted away, or that she will never be able to do the things she used to enjoy. Especially in those first couple of months, when physical recovery is hardest and baby’s nurturing needs are highest.

So, even if she’s not able to attend, invite her to the social event anyway. Let her know you’re still thinking of her and she’s welcome in the social circle whenever she’s ready. Take some time out to visit her if she’s feeling up for it and doing something together that she enjoys. (Or watch her baby so she and her partner can do something together.)

It could be something as simple as popcorn and a movie. A favorite drink and a good talk. Send her a funny video you know she’d like. Or even just send her a text to let her know you’re thinking of her.

No, she may not have time to watch it right away. She might not be able to respond at all for a few days. But all she really needs to know is that she’s seen, heard, and valued- just as she is.

The important thing is the offer

Here’s something to keep in mind when offering any of the above help to a new mom:

It might not get accepted.

She might truly appreciate the thought, but still turn down the offer. And that could be for any number of reasons. Don’t take it personally, because really, it’s not.

Sometimes, what a new mom needs most is space and time to grow into her new self. To get to know her newborn. To overall just feel better, physically or emotionally. That might mean her circle of supporters stays very small.

Thinking of her and making a genuine offer lets her know that you care about her and you’re in her corner- which is a form of support all on its own.

So there you have it! Five best ways to help a new mom. Keep the conversation going in the comments.