Let’s talk about the feeling of postpartum overwhelm, ways we can process it, and more importantly, ways we can combat it.
Okay, so we know all about what postpartum is. We’re familiar with the process of physical recovery, and we know about postpartum mood disorders.
But what if what you’re feeling doesn’t fit into the realm of a mood disorder?
What if you’re just feeling…. Overwhelmed?
Postpartum overwhelm is a real thing
I know too many of us who would shove that feeling down where we can try to bury it.
If we don’t have postpartum depression, and we don’t have a lingering infection, and really, we don’t have anything we feel there’s a right to complain about- then we’ll just pretend it doesn’t exist.
For one thing, let me stop you right there. Your struggle is valid.
I’m going to say it again for those in the back- Your struggle is valid.
It is always going to be easier than someone else’s, but you don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. You may feel like you shouldn’t be struggling, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t. And it’s okay.
Really, it’s okay. If you need someone to give you permission to struggle, I’m giving it to you right now. Postpartum is hard, and the last thing we need to be doing is being extra hard on ourselves.
Being overwhelmed postpartum is actually a very normal thing, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
It might be all the time, or it might be once in a while
That’s the other thing about postpartum overwhelm- it isn’t always a constant thing.
It might just be every once in a while that you reach a breaking point, a moment where it all becomes too much.
I remember having such moments after my baby was born. One in particular happened early on, within the first couple weeks after he was born. I was exhausted, worn out, and just wanted to take a shower. You know, something to make me feel human again. He wouldn’t stop crying, even when I was holding him, rocking him, or soothing him. And suddenly it all became too much. My senses overloaded, and all I wanted to do was sit down and cry for a while myself.
Chances are you know exactly what kind of feeling I’m talking about. Most parents experience this at one point or another. That’s what happens when humans raise humans- Our imperfect humanity is going to show through. We will not have it together all the time. (Some days, it will feel like we don’t even have it together most of the time.)
How do we process through this?
There are a few steps we can take to help prevent postpartum overwhelm in the first place, which I will get into in a minute. But for now, what happens when we’re in the moment? How do we process and push through to the other side?
1.Take Deep Breaths
I know, this seems self-explanatory and too simple to be helpful. But hear me out- your breathing actually regulates the part of your brain that controls your emotional instincts, namely your fight-or-flight reflex. Deep, regular breathing can calm you and help you off of that overwhelmed ledge. One popular breathing method for relaxing and regulating your emotional state is known as square breathing.
However, any deep breathing method will work as long as it’s comfortable for you.
2.Find a safe place for baby
As parents, it’s our privilege to care for these tiny humans- to be their safe space, their nurturer, protector, and teacher.
It’s a lot.
As such, especially when it comes to a newborn, we often feel like we’re terrible parents if we can’t be with them 24/7. If we need a break even for a moment.
But you know what? Sometimes that break is the best thing for them, because it’s what we need to continue being the best parent we can be. Trust me- they will be okay for five minutes without you.
Find a safe place to put your baby down. It could be a stroller, their crib, or the arms of a trusted person. Make sure the environment is safe and there is nothing that could hurt them, and take a break for five minutes. Go somewhere you can’t hear them crying as loudly, and get through that moment.
3.Do something to release the tension
Once you have your baby in a safe space, it’s time to blow off some steam.
Go for a walk, listen to your favorite song, call someone to vent, sit in the bathroom and cry, or whatever you need to do to get that overwhelm off your chest. Whatever it is, take 5-10 minutes to just let yourself be. Remind yourself that your baby is safe, and you are safe to do what you need to do to work through the emotions you’re feeling right now.
When you’ve gotten through the hardest parts and you’re feeling a little less overwhelmed, go back to your baby and give them an extra snuggle. Let them know you’re here and doing the best that you can.
For me, I found a safe space for my baby, took a shower, cried, gave myself the best pep talk I could muster, and 15 minutes later was soothing my baby once again.
Did everything magically get better? No, not right away. I had several more moments just like that before postpartum was over. But I was refreshed enough to get back in there and keep doing one of the best and hardest things of my life.
How do we avoid postpartum overwhelm?
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to avoiding this all too common feeling. But there are a few steps we can take to help stave it off, and to make sure we have the support we need when it does happen.
The number one thing I want us all to remember is that we are not a bad parent for feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelm is simply another normal human emotion- one that we need to be free to feel, but not let control us.
Make a plan
One thing I cannot stress enough is how absolutely helpful a plan can be. If you have a partner, take some time to discuss a strategy for when one or both of you get overwhelmed during this adjustment period. What will you need to do to get through the next fifteen minutes? What is the simplest way you can calm down, and how do you want your partner to respond to you? Where are some safe spaces for baby? If you have other children, what will they do while you’re calming down?
It’s much easier to plan for these scenarios before they arrive- even if your plan doesn’t go as smoothly as you hoped, it at least gives you a foundation of how to handle the situation when it arises.
If you’re single, who is a person you can call when that feeling of overwhelm sneaks up on you? Someone that you trust, who will not judge you or make you ashamed for how you feel. Whether you just need them to reassure you over the phone or through text, or whether they can run over and hold the baby for you, identify who this person is in your life and have a conversation with them prior to birth. Ask if they’re willing to be this person for you during postpartum, and outline your expectations of how they will help.
And if you don’t have anyone like that who immediately comes to mind, it might be worth asking around your community to find a parenting group or other form of support that you can reach out to.
Identify a strategy
There’s truth to the saying, “The best defense is a good offense.” One of the best ways to combat postpartum overwhelm is by defusing it before it can begin.
If you have a partner, maybe you can each have one or two evenings “off” a week. One handles the dinner and bedtime routine while the other gets to relax and do something they enjoy. If an arrangement like that isn’t feasible at this point in your life, maybe it could be as short as 1/2 – 1 hour completely to yourself, after bedtime, or while your partner holds the baby.
Or perhaps there’s some other forms of self-care that can help get you through the day (or night). A special coffee drink every morning, or a 30-minute TV show or chapter of a book in the evening. Something that you love, that can relax you, and reminds you of the person that you are.
Identify triggers
Whether you have a baby or not, you probably have certain things in your life that overwhelm you no matter what. Unmade bed? Dishes in the sink? Too many people talking in one room? Too much silence?
Whatever overwhelms you now can be exacerbated after birth (except, maybe, too much silence). Identify what situations you are already sure will cause you to be overwhelmed, and arrange things so that the likelihood of these situations arising goes down.
So if you know that too many dirty dishes in the sink + a crying baby will be Overwhelm 2.0, a solution could be some freezer meals prepared ahead of time and disposable plates. It won’t be a perfect solution that lasts forever, but the help at the time could be invaluable.
Don’t feel guilty about postpartum overwhelm
As said above, overwhelm is a normal feeling that every parent is familiar with. Don’t beat yourself up for getting overwhelmed and needing to reset. It’s healthy to acknowledge the feeling, process it, deal with it, and continue on doing the best you can- because I know you are.
Remember, your baby doesn’t need you to be perfect.
They need you to love them. To keep showing up for them every day.
They need you to be real, so that you can teach them to be real too.
